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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29735613">Kissing The Lipless</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casseopeia/pseuds/Casseopeia'>Casseopeia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Product of Choice [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek, Star Trek: Enterprise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:42:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,576</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29735613</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casseopeia/pseuds/Casseopeia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After being released from prison, Zephram attempts to rebuild her life while Enterprise continues it's five year mission.</p><p>On its completion Malcolm decides to remain on Earth and attempts to salvage their relationship.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Malcolm Reed/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Product of Choice [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184711</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Kissing The Lipless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Berate, remember your ailing heart and your criminal eyes<br/>You say you're still in love<br/>And it's true what can be done<br/>It's hard to leave all these moments behind</p><p>The Shins</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Malcolm is lost in thought, gazing out of the window in the observation lounge when Archer finds him. He is so distracted he doesn't notice the other man entering the room and it's only when Archer places a hand on his shoulder that he turns with a start.</p><p>"Captain. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in."</p><p>"I called your name, but you were miles away," Archer teases gently.</p><p>They stand together in silence for a while before Archer clears his throat somewhat awkwardly and speaks again.</p><p>"I wanted to let you know that Zephram has been released."</p><p>Malcolm turns to look at him, maintaining a carefully blank expression and Archer sighs, disappointment creeping into his eyes.</p><p>"I just thought you might like to know" he says quietly before turning to leave, perhaps sensing Malcolm's desire to be alone.</p><p>"Thank you, Sir."</p><p>He stares straight ahead, out of the window and Archer leaves without further comment.</p><p>Malcolm hadn't been able to face attending her court-martial when Enterprise had returned to Earth, following their successful destruction of the Xindi weapon.</p><p>He still vividly remembers the day Zephram had finally snapped. It was Hayes in the end that had come running into the gym and dragged her off Ensign Taylor, holding her against him in a way that had seemed to Malcom surprisingly tender. The captain had arrived minutes later, flanked by security personnel and ordered her to be taken to the brig. Malcolm had simply watched as members of his own team led her away. The unconscious Taylor was rushed to sick bay where his injuries were reported to be numerous and severe. Captain Archer had suggested coldly that Malcolm return to his quarters and he had made no protest, dimly aware that his career aboard Enterprise was hanging by a thread.</p><p>The next day Archer had gone to speak to Zephram first and it was some time before he emerged from the brig, grave and silent. Malcolm was holed up in the Armoury, attempting unsuccessfully to concentrate on some minor repairs, when he was summoned to the ready room.</p><p>"You wanted to see me, Sir."</p><p>Archer looked tired and drawn, but his voice, when he spoke, remained firm.</p><p>"At ease Lieutenant Reed. Have a seat please."</p><p>The older man looked at him and Malcolm could see the disappointment in his eyes, and so his next words had caught him completely off guard.</p><p>"I've spoken at length to Lieutenant Turner who has admitted that your recent lack of professional behaviour was due to an abusive relationship between the two of you."</p><p>He had deliberately looked away from Malcolm then.</p><p>"That she has on several occasions violently assaulted you and that you helped to conceal the fact she was unfit for duty out of fear for your own safety."</p><p>Malcolm had gaped at him in disbelief.</p><p>"Sir, thats simply not-" Archer raised a hand to cut him off. When he spoke, his voice was stern.</p><p>"Let me put this to you another way Malcolm. This confession is the only thing currently standing between you and a court-martial."</p><p>Suddenly his face softened and his next words were surprisingly gentle.</p><p>"Malcolm, Zephram has done me the courtesy of being extremely honest, and I am not without sympathy for her, but you have to understand that this has gone too far for me to simply turn a blind eye to it now. To her credit she's taken full responsibility for her actions and she accepts the penalties." </p><p>Malcolm had nodded, silent and ashamed.</p><p>"She was however, very passionate in pleading your cause to me."</p><p>The significance of those words was not lost on him and he realised that Archer hadn't believed for a moment Malcolm had been a victim of any abuse. </p><p>"I'm going to give you two choices. You can agree here and now, that your recent lapse in judgement was the result of a coersive personal relationship. In that case, it will remain a confidential matter and you will continue to serve aboard Enterprise."</p><p>Archer had sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.</p><p>"Alternatively you can disagree, at which point you will also face a court-martial and I can't promise what the result of that will be. The fact remains that you did nothing to prevent Lieutenant Turner from violently assaulting another crewmember on two occasions." </p><p>Malcolm had raised his head to look the Captain in the eyes, tone crisp and formal to hide his distress.</p><p>"Permission to speak freely, Sir?" </p><p>"Go ahead."</p><p>"I am fully aware of your disappointment in me Captain and I have no excuse to offer for my behaviour, except that I allowed my personal feelings to affect my duty. When you asked me if my judgement was clouded, I knowingly lied to you. I understand if you wish to remove me from your ship."</p><p>The captain had risen from his seat, indicating that he considered their conversation to be over.</p><p>"I do not Lieutenant, but I leave the decision up to you."</p><p>Malcolm had thought of Zephram, who on the verge of court-martial had still risked further charges to protect him, and made his decision, drawing back his shoulders to stand to attention.</p><p>"I would like to remain a member of this crew, Sir."</p><hr/><p>Enterprise completes its mission and returns to Earth with no small amount of fanfare. Archer is made an admiral and later jokes that he'd happily be demoted again just to escape the paperwork.</p><p>Malcolm, now Lieutenant-Commander Reed, decides to remain on Earth and is immediately offered a position in weapons development. He returns to his small appartment, which looks exactly the same as when he left it five years previously. It feels strange and somewhat unsettling to be back on solid ground. He develops a habit of taking long walks at night, still unaccustomed to the sunlight that streams through his windows.</p><p>He thinks about Zephram often, as he has done ever since he watched her be escorted from Enterprise between two armed Starfleet personnel, as if she was a dangerous criminal. He supposes in the eyes of Starfleet Command, she was.</p><p>He's forced to admit to himself, free of the distraction of space, that his feelings for her have not gone away. Being back on Earth seems to have only made them more insistent. For several months he tries to push them out, burying himself in his new work, but it ultimately proves futile. </p><p>When he eventually makes the decision to reach out, tracking her down proves far more difficult than he anticipates. He learns that after being released from prison, she was quietly dismissed from Starfleet, but nobody admits to knowing where she went. He searches without success for weeks and eventually it's Hayes that unexpectedly comes to his aid. Apparently now a close friend of Zephram, he contacts him and they meet at a local bar.</p><p>Malcolm is vaguely aware that after leaving Enterprise, Hayes elected to retire from active military duty and take a desk job. Malcolm asks him about it, but he waves the question away irritably and Malcolm gets the impression it is not something he's keen to talk about.</p><p>"I didn't come here to talk shop, Reed."</p><p>He takes a sip of his beer and fixes Malcolm with a hard look.</p><p>"Why now?"</p><p>It's a fair question, given he's made no attempt to keep in contact.</p><p>"I suppose it seemed like the right time." Hayes snorts.</p><p>"Really?" It's impossible to miss the heavy sarcasm in his response. "The right time for who?"</p><p>"I don't-"</p><p>"Listen Reed, your personal feelings are frankly none of my concern."</p><p>He leans towards Malcolm as if he's trying to intimidate him.</p><p>"I care about Zephram. She's worked hard to rebuild her life, I'm not going to sit here and watch you screw that up for her."</p><p>Malcolm feels himself bristle with outrage, ready to snap back at Hayes, but realises it won't help. Instead he takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm his temper.</p><p>"I never stopped caring about her either" he insists and Hayes doesn't look convinced, but he does tell him that she moved to San Bernardino.</p><p>Malcolm waits for more but it doesn't come.</p><p>"If you care that much, figure it out" Hayes tosses back at him as he leaves and Malcolm snorts to himself in frustrated disbelief.</p><hr/><p>Malcolm pulls up outside a run-down building with a old, peeling sign advertising hover-craft repairs. The yard is full of an assortment of odd parts and the rusting shells of a few vehicles.</p><p>He steps out of his own hired vehicle and turns sharply when he sees movement in the corner of his eye. A large grey dog appears from around the side of the building and barks a few times. Malcolm hears a series of clanks and a female voice calls to the dog, its head turning towards the sound. He hears footsteps and suddenly Zephram is right there in front of him and Malcolm's heart stops.</p><p>She's looks barely any different to when he met her in the bar five years ago. A sleeveless black shirt reveals familiar tattoos and her faded green cargo pants have clearly been repaired multiple times. She is perhaps a little leaner in the face, a little more weathered than before, but then the last few years have left Malcolm a little more worn around the edges too. If she's surprised she doesn't show it, she simply looks at him in silence for what feels like forever.</p><p>"Long time no see, Limey." </p><p>It's vaguely sarcastic and while she isn't glaring at him, she doesn't look exactly thrilled to see him either.</p><p>"You want something to drink?"</p><p>She's evidently decided to be civil at least and Malcolm accepts the offer, thirsty from the summer heat. She disappears into the building and emerges a moment later with two bottles of cheap beer in hand. The one she hands him is ice cold, beads of condensation running down the neck, and he gulps some down gratefully.</p><p>Nearby there's a partially stripped down hover craft and she pulls herself up to sit on the hood, gesturing for him to join her. She draws one leg up and rests her arm on it before turning to look at him again.</p><p>"How did you find me?"</p><p>Malcolm stares at the bottle he's holding and smiles wryly.</p><p>"You didn't make it easy. I was making enquiries for weeks before I found anything." </p><p>She huffs in amusement but waits for him to continue.</p><p>"In the end Major Hayes got wind that I was looking for you."</p><p>"He told you?" She sounds surprised and Malcolm lets out a small laugh.</p><p>"Not exactly, no. He came to see me and actually told me to stay away. But he did also tell me you were in San Bernardino."</p><p>He risks a glance at her face which is carefully neutral.</p><p>"He told me if I really cared I'd figure it out." </p><p>She laughs, but it's a cold, hollow sound.</p><p>"I suppose I should be flattered then."</p><p>Malcolm feels anxiety welling in his stomach and thinks that perhaps Hayes was right after all, that he shouldn't have come here.</p><p>"Zeph-" he doesn't get any further before she cuts him off. </p><p>"You never wrote Malcolm." Her tone is flat and resigned. "Hayes wrote. Trip wrote. Hell, even Captain Archer wrote. But not you."</p><p>There's no accusation, she's simply stating facts, but Malcolm feels the heavy weight of guilt settling.</p><p>"I didn't-"</p><p>"Why are you here?"</p><p>He takes a long slug of his beer and tries to think of the best way to answer the question left hanging between them. In the end he decides to be honest.</p><p>"I never stopped thinking about you."</p><p>She stares at the ground for a long moment and Malcolm takes the chance to look at her closely for the first time in years. Two coloured crystals hang around her neck and he notices that some new designs have been added to her arms. Where her hair is pushed back he can see that she now has numerous rings in her ear. The lines around her eyes have deepened from squinting at the sun, but he thinks she's just as beautiful as he remembers.</p><p>"I never apologised for throwing that bottle of whiskey at you," she says eventually, the sudden change of subject taking him by surprise. "Or the black eye."</p><p>He smiles slightly, "I'd forgotten about the eye."</p><p>"It's fine Zeph, it really doesn't matter."</p><p>"It does." She says, and her eyes are still fixed on the dusty ground. "I should never have treated you like that."</p><p>She raises her head slightly and gives him a sideways look.</p><p>"The whole abuse thing wasn't really a lie."</p><p>"What exactly <em>did </em> you say to Captain Archer?"</p><p>It's something he's turned over in his mind, alone in his quarters at night, for the last few years. She sighs and rests her head against her propped up knee.</p><p>"I told him the truth about my past. I finally told him the truth about Ensign Taylor."</p><p>She flashes a wry smile which he echoes.</p><p>"And then I told him that I deserved to be thrown off his ship." </p><p>Malcolm begins to protest but stops at the sharp look she gives him.</p><p>"Malcolm, I did. Trip and the captain were right about me, even if you refused to accept it. I was unstable and completely out of control. I'd just nearly killed another crew member for fuck's sake!"</p><p>She drains her beer and tosses the empty bottle onto the ground.</p><p>"Prison was actually pretty good for me in the end. They encouraged me to see a psychologist and she helped me come to terms with the past. It also gave me a lot of time to think about the kind of person I didn't want to be anymore."</p><p>She turns her head to look him in the eyes.</p><p>"I told Captain Archer that you were only guilty of trying to protect me and that he needed you if Enterprise was ever going to stop the Xindi. And I told him that I cared about you too much to drag you down with me."</p><p>She looks away again, staring out at the horizon.</p><p>"So we agreed that I would plead guilty at the court-martial to prevent an investigation and in return Captain Archer would keep you out of it."</p><p>Malcolm takes a moment to process everything she's told him before he speaks quietly.</p><p>"He never told me that."</p><p>Her lips quirk into a small smile.</p><p>"He's a good man. To be honest I suspect he pulled some strings behind the scenes for me as well. I was sentenced to three years, but I got out after one."</p><p>They sit in silence for several minutes. Zephram appears to have nothing else to say on the matter and Malcolm is hesitant to break the fragile peace that has settled over them.</p><p>"Why did you come here?" He asks eventually and then immediately regrets it when a shadow passes across her face.</p><p>"Well I wasn't exactly popular in San Francisco as it happens. No-one seemed to want to hire someone who'd just been kicked out of Starfleet for beating the shit out of a subordinate."</p><p>She doesn't try to hide the bitterness in her tone, but Malcolm thinks it's less to do with the memory and more to do with his own stupidity in asking. He waits for her to collect herself again.</p><p>"I had nothing, Malcolm." Her voice is quiet now. "I was staying in Major Hayes' spare room, applying for every job under the sun and nothing was working out. As soon as my dad heard what happened, he told me not to bother coming back."</p><p>"Zeph...I'm sorry."</p><p>It's pathetically inadequate, but he doesn't know what else to say. She brushes it off irritably.</p><p>"Eventually it was Captain Archer who helped me out...again. He contacted a friend down here, told him he knew a first-rate engineer looking for work."</p><p>"So here you are," he murmurs and she shrugs.</p><p>"Here I am."</p><p>She jumps down from the hood and grabs her empty beer bottle. She raises it in his direction, offering him another and he nods, draining the last of his own. She comes back with two more bottles and they sit and drink in the evening sun. After some time he finally asks the question that's been bothering him since his meeting with Hayes.</p><p>"So, are you and Hayes..." he trails off awkwardly but the implication is clear and she turns to stare at him, letting out the first genuine laugh he's heard from her all day.</p><p>"Not a chance. We're good friends. He wrote to me every week while I was in prison. Visited twice a month too."</p><p>She pauses and he thinks she looks somewhat sad.</p><p>"He never said as much...but I think that was part of the reason he stayed on Earth and took that godawful desk job."</p><p>The admission surprises him, a feeling he's becoming increasingly accustomed to since he arrived.</p><p>"I wouldn't have expected that from him." </p><p>She snorts in amusement.</p><p>"Well there's a lot you don't know about him."</p><p>He concedes with a tilt of his head.</p><p>"I imagine there is."</p><p>She suddenly grins, "There was someone on Enterprise he was interested in, but it definitely wasn't me."</p><p>He gives her a sideways glance and she shrugs.</p><p>"He's giving away my secrets."</p><p>Curiosity gets the better of him.</p><p>"Who was it?"</p><p>She raises an eyebrow at him.</p><p>"What can I say Limey, you were a popular man."</p><p>"Me?!"</p><p>He nearly falls off the vehicle in shock and she grabs his arm instinctively, her hand warm on his bare skin. He rights himself and she lets go abruptly. It's the first time they've touched in years and he finds himself wishing she had held on longer.</p><p>"Like I said, there's a lot you don't know. But I can tell you for sure, it wasn't your job he was after." </p><p>Malcolm shifts awkwardly, completely at a loss at what to do with this information. She takes pity on him and changes the subject.</p><p>"So what about you Malcolm? How's life in weapons development?"</p><p>He shrugs with a smile and takes a sip of beer.</p><p>"It's fine, interesting enough. I've been lucky to be working with a good team." </p><p>"I'm happy for you."</p><p>"I missed you Zeph," he says honestly and her face closes off.</p><p>"You had a funny way of showing it."</p><p>He tries to take her hand but she snatches it away and he sighs, letting his shoulders slump.</p><p>"I'm sorry I didn't stay in contact. I suppose I've never been very good at that sort of thing."</p><p>She sighs and scrubs a hand over her face, suddenly looking very tired.</p><p>"It's fine Malcolm, really. It was best for us both just to move on."</p><p>She looks at him with an expression so serious he feels his chest tighten.</p><p>"We weren't good for each other."</p><p>He tries to protest but she interrupts him immediately.</p><p>"I smashed a bottle over your head Malcolm! Because instead of actually talking about how I felt, I just solved every problem with violence."</p><p>She drums her fingers agitatedly against the bottle.</p><p>"I'm not blaming you for anything, but being with you enabled that part of me. We were both so hung up on my past, you stood and watched me nearly kill a man just for taking the piss out of me."</p><p>She stares down at her hands as if she can still see Ensign Taylor's blood covering them.</p><p>"He didn't deserve that. Being in therapy helped me understand. He wasn't responsible for what happened to me and there was no excuse for me to handle things the way I did."</p><p>She raises her head with the ghost of a smile. </p><p>"He came to see me in prison. I wrote him a letter to say I was sorry, it was mostly just part of the therapy, but he came the next month. He thanked me for sending it and said he was sorry for the way he treated me."</p><p>"So what, the two of you are best friends now?" Malcolm asks incredulously and she shakes her head.</p><p>"I didn't see him again after that. But it felt good, you know? It felt like I could put it behind me after that."</p><p>"Did you put us behind you too? Out of sight, out of mind, is that how it is?"</p><p>It comes out bitter and the look she turns on him is withering.</p><p>"That certainly how it appeared to be for <em>you. </em>You fucked off back to space without even saying goodbye, Malcolm. What else was I supposed to take from that?"</p><p>She jumps down from the hood and turns away from him, hugging her arms around herself. Malcolm follows her, coming to stand behind her, although he doesn't dare to touch her.</p><p>"I know I should have written Zeph. But I never forgot about you."</p><p>He steps closer cautiously, as if he's approaching a frightened animal.</p><p>"I never stopped loving you." </p><p>The words come out in a rush and he stops abruptly, braced for her response. She wheels round to face him, furious, and he sees a flash of the old Zephram spoiling for a fight.</p><p>"Wake up!" She's shouting the words in his face. "The woman you loved is gone. You don't love me, you don't even fucking know me."</p><p>Her voice cracks on the last words. She wipes her eyes roughly and takes a deep, shuddering breath.</p><p>"Go home, Malcolm."</p><p>She begins to walk away and he throws out a hand to stop her.</p><p>"Don't- please...give me a chance to get to know you again Zeph."</p><p>His voice is pleading, desperate not to let her go.</p><p>The sun is setting now, and she turns her face to the brilliant colours in the sky. He sees her surrounded by old broken parts, looking tired and miserable and feels a pain low in his chest.</p><p>"You've still got an illustrious career ahead of you Lieutenant-Commander," she says finally and the emphasis on his rank makes him wince.</p><p>"That's not my world anymore."</p><p>She pulls away, heading slowly back to the building she first appeared from and when she speaks she doesn't turn.</p><p>"Sorry you had a wasted journey."</p><p>She whistles to the dog who appears from under a nearby craft and they disappear inside.</p><p>Malcolm gets back into his vehicle, returning to the nearby hotel he'd spent the previous night in. Early the next morning he sets off back to San Francisco with a heavy heart.</p><hr/><p>He's been back for several weeks, working himself to the bone just so he doesn't have to think, when he receives another message from Hayes.</p><p>They arrange to meet at the same bar and Malcolm arrives first. He orders a double of scotch from a bored looking bartender and chooses a small booth in the corner, with comfortable, velvet covered benches. Hayes arrives shortly afterwards and spots him almost immediately. He takes a seat, placing a pint of beer on the table. There's an uncomfortable silence before he speaks.</p><p>"I heard you found Zeph." He says eventually and Malcolm nods, unsurprised.</p><p>"I assumed you would have."</p><p>Hayes must see something of his thoughts reflected on his face because he snorts derisively.</p><p>"What did you expect Malcolm? You turn up out of the blue, dragging up the past and tell her you're sorry you didn't fucking write. Frankly you're lucky she didn't just kick your ass there and then."</p><p>"I thought she was above all that now," he mutters sarcastically and see Hayes' face darken.</p><p>"Stop right there. You don't get to do that Malcolm."</p><p>His voice is soft, but Malcolm can hear the tightly controlled rage.</p><p>"You don't get to come back now and be bitter because she didn't wait around for you to pull your head out your ass."</p><p>He stares him down and Malcolm looks away, unwilling to look him in the eye because he knows the other man will see his guilt plainly written there.</p><p>"She saved you from a fucking court-martial Reed, and what did you do?" </p><p>He takes a long slug of his beer and slams the glass back down on the table. Malcolm is unable to think of an answer, but Hayes doesn't wait for one.</p><p>"You just went back to Enterprise and casually forgot she existed. Then you come back when it's convenient for you and throw a tantrum because she got on with her life."</p><p>Malcolm feels irritation rising suddenly.</p><p>"It wasn't like that!"</p><p>"Wasn't it?"</p><p>Hayes is unmoved and so Malcolm decides to change tack.</p><p>"She said she thinks you retired from active duty to stay near her." He says. "Is that true?"</p><p>"Yes, it is true, because unlike you I actually cared!" Hayes snaps back. </p><p>He looks like he's debating whether to walk away but then he sighs and takes a long slug of his drink.</p><p>"You told me once about her past, but she told me a lot more herself after that. We were already close when she left Enterprise. I knew she was hurting, that what happened with Taylor went a lot deeper than the surface." He pauses.</p><p>"After what happened she had no-one."</p><p>He looks at Malcolm and there's a clear accusation in his eyes.</p><p>"I never realised the two of you were close," Malcolm says quietly and Hayes huffs out a bitter laugh.</p><p>"You never realised a lot of things." </p><p>He means it as an insult, and Malcolm remembers the conversation with Zephram and thinks its unfortunately probably true. They drink in silence for a few moments before Malcolm leans forward, resting his elbows on the table.</p><p>"So you stayed to make sure she had someone."</p><p>"I did," Hayes agrees. "I saw her every month she was in prison. She never complained, never felt sorry for herself. Just did the work to deal with her shit and be the person she is now."</p><p>"You must be very proud of her." Malcolm says softly and it gets a quirk of Hayes' lips.</p><p>"I am."</p><p>All of a sudden Malcolm feels his chest go tight and to his horror his eyes begin to fill with tears. He blinks them away frantically, because his father has always drilled into him that Reed men do not cry, and it would be mortifying to cry in front of Hayes, but more simply take their place.</p><p>In the end he buries his head in his arms on the table and sobs. To his shock he feels a soothing hand rubbing his back, which he assumes belongs to Hayes. When he eventually raises his head, face flushed with embarrassment, he realises with a rush of gratitude that Hayes has moved himself so Malcolm is shielded from view. He's looking at Malcolm now with something approaching sympathy.</p><p>"I know it's too late," Malcolm says meeting his eyes. "I'm afraid I've buggered everything up as usual."</p><p>"She's had a hard time Malcolm," the other man says gently.</p><p>He pauses and looks as if he's trying to decide whether to say more, and Malcolm waits for him to reach a conclusion.</p><p>"She loved you very much. When you left and she never heard from you...it broke her heart."</p><p>Hayes sighs and rubs his face tiredly.</p><p>"Maybe you really do still love her, I don't know."</p><p>If he has any hope left, Hayes' next words punch it out of him.</p><p>"I'm not even sure it matters anymore."</p><hr/><p>Over the following months Malcolm falls into a deep depression. His work is the only thing that keeps him going and outside of it he becomes little more than a robot, going through the motions of his life without awareness.</p><p>He stops responding when he receives messages from his old crew-mates and ignores Madeline when she calls. He loses weight and develops permanent dark circles under his eyes. Looking in the mirror one morning he realises he looks like Zephram when she was spiralling out of control on Enterprise.</p><p>He calls in sick and goes back to bed with a bottle of whiskey to try and drown out the memory.</p><p>He wakes the next day to a relentless hammering in his skull and it takes him some time to realise it's the sound of someone knocking insistently on his door. He drags some sweatpants and an old jumper on before stumbling to the door, cursing whoever is on the other side.</p><p>It's Hayes and he takes one look at Malcolm, and swears softly.</p><p>"Jesus, you look like hell, Reed."</p><p>Malcolm finds he doesn't have the energy to formulate a response and Hayes takes his arm, leading him back into the flat, apparently inviting himself in. He pushes Malcolm into a kitchen chair and hunts around until he finds two cups and some coffee. He makes them both a cup and Malcolm remembers that he hasn't been shopping in days and there's no milk.</p><p>Hayes seems content to take it black and they drink in silence. By the time his mug is empty Malcolm feels a little better and he looks at the other man who is watching him impassively.</p><p>"Why are you here?"</p><p>"Well I stopped by your office yesterday, but your staff said you were off sick."</p><p>"So you thought you'd come and beat down my door this morning instead?" </p><p>Hayes stares at him. "It's midday."</p><p>"Is it?"</p><p>Malcolm stares at the table suddenly feeling very tired. Hayes clears his throat and shifts in his seat.</p><p>"I'm here because of Zephram," he says and Malcolm's heart lurches.</p><p>"She would have come herself, but she wasn't sure if you'd want to see her."</p><p>He snaps his head up so fast he feels momentarily dizzy.</p><p>"She's here?"</p><p>It feels so much like a dream that he whispers the words, suddenly afraid that if he speaks too loud he might wake up, but Hayes is nodding.</p><p>"She's at my apartment."</p><p>Malcolm just stares at him dumbfounded and Hayes puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.</p><p>"It's ok, Malcolm. Why don't you get changed and then we'll go."</p><p>He gives the shoulder under his hand a squeeze.</p><p>"She told me, you know." He says distractedly, still in too much of a daze to get up from the table.</p><p>Hayes cocks his head in confusion.</p><p>"Told you what?"</p><p>"About how you felt...back on Enterprise."</p><p>The other man let's his hand drop and is silent for a moment, staring at the table. Eventually he raises his head to meet his eyes.</p><p>"Did it bother you?" He asks quietly.</p><p>"No," Malcolm admits honestly, and after a pause he says "I'm sorry."</p><p>Hayes gives him a rare and genuine smile.</p><p>"I never expected you to feel the same."</p><p>"Thank you" Malcolm says and he means so much more.</p><p>Hayes just smiles at him again in a way that tells him he understands everything he's trying to say.</p><p>He's tense and edgy on the way to his apartment and when they're climbing the stairs he feels anxiety pooling low in his stomach. Then suddenly they're inside and Zephram is standing in the small hallway. She's nervous in a way that only Malcolm sees, because they've always understood everything the other was trying to hide.</p><p>This time he doesn't hesitate, afraid to touch her. He pulls her tight against his chest, her arms wrapping around his shoulders and buries his face in her hair, breathing in her scent which is still achingly familiar, even after so much time apart. Eventuallybshe pulls back and looks him in the eyes.</p><p>"You look like shit, Limey."</p><p>There's no heat in her words and he detects a hint of concern under the deliberately light tone.</p><p>"I'm fine."</p><p>It's so typical of him that she rolls her eyes in frustration, but she can't hide the smile that's threatening to break through.</p><p>Hayes clears his throat softly and excuses himself on an errand that Malcolm is fairly certain he's invented on the spot, but he's a long way from objecting. He presses a quick kiss to Zephram's forehead, then leaves and it's just the two of them. </p><p>She takes him through to the small, sunny kitchen and Malcolm is surprised to notice how cozy the apartment is. It's the polar opposite if his own, scattered with photographs and personal possessions. It seems so out of character for what he expects from Hayes and he begins to appreciate just how little he really knows the other man.</p><p>She makes them both coffee, this time with plenty of milk and lets her fingers brush against his lightly when she hands him the mug. She sits opposite and smiles at him fondly and easily in a way that would have seemed out of character back on Enterprise. He's struck properly for the first time with just how much she really has changed.</p><p>She's perfectly relaxed, sitting here in Hayes' kitchen and her jaw has lost the permanent tension it used to carry. She looks peaceful and as much as Malcolm always loved her defiance, he thinks he might grow to love this version of her even more.</p><p>"What happened Malcolm?" she asks gently, after a while of them just sitting and taking each other in.</p><p>He stares down at the mug in his hands.</p><p>"I suppose..." he trails off, unsure of what to say.</p><p>"I suppose I gave up somewhat."</p><p>It feels unexpectedly good to say it out loud, like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and when he meets her gaze again he sees she understands.</p><p>"Not like you to give up on a fight."</p><p>She's teasing him gently, but he knows there's an element of regret to it as well.</p><p>"The odds of winning seemed very slim." </p><p>She gives him a wry smile.</p><p>"I did give you a pretty hard time."</p><p>"I deserved it," he says honestly. </p><p>"Hayes explained a lot to me, gave me the kick up the backside I needed."</p><p>He reaches across the table and takes her hand, holding it gently.</p><p>"I wasn't there when it really mattered, I understand that now. I was so afraid of my own feelings that I did what I always do and simply shut them out."</p><p>He looks down at their joined hands.</p><p>"I shut you out."</p><p>She squeezes his hand gently and places her mug down on the table, bringing her fingers to trace the veins on the back of his hand.</p><p>"It broke my heart that you did." She says quietly and he goes to speak but she cuts him off gently.</p><p>"Don't- just listen, please. I really did mean what I said before."</p><p>She looks him straight in the eye and her own grey eyes are serious.</p><p>"We weren't good for each other. All we did was bring out each other's worst side. As much as it hurt, I know now that we needed to be apart from each other. It gave me the chance I needed to heal."</p><p>She sighs deeply and and the motion of her fingers stops.</p><p>"When you came back...it felt like you were expecting to find that same person. I was scared you wanted things to be how they were."</p><p>She's quiet for a moment.</p><p>"I can't be that anymore."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>He squeezes her hand in silent reassurance.</p><p>"I meant what I said too," he says firmly and she raises an eyebrow enquiringly.</p><p>It's a startlingly familiar gesture and he smiles in spite of himself.</p><p>"I want a chance to get to know you again. To see if the new Zeph is someone I could fall in love with too."</p><p>She smiles and the warmth of it spreads to her eyes, creasing them at the corners.</p><p>"I know. That's why I came."</p><hr/><p>Zephram suggests they stay at his apartment, explaining that she doesn't want to impose any more on Hayes. Jay, as Malcolm learns to call him.</p><p>He agrees readily and Hayes helps them move her things. He hugs her tightly when they say goodbye and Malcolm is touched to see the genuine affection between them. Hayes treats her like his little sister and it's clear that she trusts him completely.</p><p>He shakes hands with Malcolm and gives him a look that says he'll hunt him down if he does anything to hurt her. Instead of being annoyed, Malcolm finds he's pleased to know she has people around her now who care so much.</p><p>They spend the weekend together in his apartment, most of it taken up with long conversations that often leave them both with wet cheeks. It seems that several years apart has left them with a lot to talk about.</p><p>When Monday comes around Malcolm finds himself regretting that he has to leave for work and decides to request a long-overdue holiday. He expects his boss to be annoyed at the short-notice, but instead he is visibly relieved, telling him to start his leave straight away.</p><p>"Your work has been exemplary as always Lieutenant-Commander," the other man says reassuringly, "but we've all been worried that you've been overdoing it lately."</p><p>He looks at him kindly and Malcolm feels a sudden rush of gratitude.</p><p>"Take a break, have a rest. There's nothing that can't wait until you're back!"</p><p>He returns to his apartment with a spring in his step, feeling lighter than he has in months.</p><p>Back on Enterprise, Malcolm had never been able to imagine himself and Zephram in a domestic setting. It simply hadn't been a part of their relationship. When it comes to it, it's surprisingly natural and easy. Zephram is a good cook and Malcolm soon finds himself putting weight back on.</p><p>One morning his opens his eyes to find her already awake, early morning sun catching on her hair like a halo. She's smiling down at him and tracing his cheekbones gently with her fingertips.</p><p>"You're so beautiful Mal."</p><p>She never calls him Limey anymore, just another of the many changes between them. </p><p>Malcolm dreads the end of his two weeks of holiday, trying to forget that the time is fast approaching for her to return to her life in San Bernardino. They stay up late one night, sitting on the floor of his balcony in the warm night air, drinking and talking. There's a lull in their conversation and she suddenly fixes him with a serious look.</p><p>"Mal, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."</p><p>His anxiety must show on his face because she bumps her knee against his with a smile.</p><p>"Nothing bad, I promise."</p><p>She leans back against the wall behind her and turns to look out across the city.</p><p>"I was thinking of coming back to San Francisco."</p><p>His breath catches in his throat and she turns to look at him with a soft smile.</p><p>"Jay has a friend who might be able to give me a job. I could find a place, be closer to you both." She pauses.</p><p>"I want to give this a real go Mal."</p><p>"You could move in here."</p><p>The words come out before he's really thought about it, but he finds he doesn't want to take them back. She looks at him steadily.</p><p>"You don't think it's too soon?"</p><p>"Possibly, but I think it's worth a gamble. </p><p>They're both smiling now.</p><p>"In fact I rather like the odds."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading!</p><p>I hoped you enjoyed this little series and I welcome any feedback.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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